The Baytown Disco Review

THE BAYTOWN DISCO featuring Eva Longoria and Billy Bob Thornton (and Paul Wesley from Vampire Diaries for the girls who care)

“A Southern Fried Whip-Ass Extravaganza!”

I’ve never been to a movie screening before, but I had a lot of fun. I mean, free food and drinks at the reception AND I got a $15 voucher to use at the concessions AND they were handing out bottle water in the theater. I also got these ~cool~ trading cards so I can read about all the characters even if they show up for like 5 minutes.

Synopsis (from their website): After her ex-husband Carlos shoots Celeste three times in the gut, it’s time to play dirty. In the fight for her godson, Rob, she hires three outlawed and redneck brothers to bring him back to her. But nothing can be that simple in the South. What begins as a small rescue mission rises to a southern battle royale. This odd team must shoot their way through gorgeous female assassins, Native American hunters, Federal agents, and a whole lotta metal coming after them, while protecting Celeste’s innocent child.

Ok, now reread that synopsis and it is pretty much the whole movie (minus one plot twisting detail).

Based in a small boony town in Lousina, three white dudes who are suppose to be the stereotypical redneck type go kill people and then are hired to rescue Celeste’s god son. Surprise, surprise – when they get to the scene, they find out that he’s physically disable? Mentally disable? Mute? (According to his trading card, he has autism. Yeah. Ok.) They get chased by female assassins (the cards told me one grew up in a Mormon household and enjoyed the beatings her dad gave her and violence arouses her. Oh. Ok.) who go by the name of THE FLAMEBANGERS. And then by a group of  black “pirates” who are supposedly named THE HOOD PIRATES. (again from the cards, the Hood Pirate gang was started in Detroit where they overtook ships on Lake Huron). Wait, it gets better. The next group of people to attack them are a group of Native American hunters called THE NATION MOTORCYCLE CLUB and of COURSE they believe in scalping. I seriously thought a group of Japanese Samurais gone rogue were going to jump out (*spoiler* they don’t).

And that was it. I admit, they did a pretty good job covering almost all the (somewhat stereotypical) social and racial groups. Three main white male leads, illegal Mexican immigrants who clean, black guys who are apparently from the hood, one hot Asian chick that was part of the FLAMEBANGERS, skinny girls running around in nothing, and don’t forget the Native Americans who go scalping for fun.

Ok, the movie wasn’t terrible, but it was pretty ridiculous. For a low budget movie, it wasn’t bad and it kept me entertained for the most part (while I 9_6 all over the place). I had some good laughs here and there and Paul Wesley ain’t too bad looking either. I was never bored, so thats a good thing especially since my attention span is so small.

So, why should you watch this movie? If you’re in the mood for a good ol’ action comedy, you’re in luck. Watch fight scene after fight scene, a good dose of T&A, stare at Paul Wesley or Eva Longoria, and a huge plot twist you will figure out in the first 10 minutes of the movie. Though, I do appreciate a good animated cut scene so the couple they had, I loved.

The trading cards were legit. Even though reading the back of the cards made the movie even more ridiculous.

But here is a link to the trailer for those who are interested.

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